Is Chivalry Sexist?

MISS MANNERS by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been married to the same man for 40 years. He has recently decided that opening doors for me, serving me first at dinner, and other forms of respect and thoughtfulness are “sexist.”

I fix dinner for him daily, do his laundry, etc. -- all of the things that a “traditional wife” does. I recently retired from a great career and am no slouch when it comes to work.

Is he right? I’m hurt and disappointed.

GENTLE READER: Fun times ahead at your place! Miss Manners is sorry to miss watching your husband’s face as he keeps discovering what it is costing him to stop opening doors for you.

He is right that many gender-specific practices are fading away. But he is unwise to mandate such changes without your consent.

Surely you had some working arrangement all these years: You have cooked and laundered, and presumably he did tasks that were considered “manly” -- servicing the car, mowing the lawn and shoveling snow, perhaps. Maybe even doing the taxes. It is quaint now even to think that way.

Between you, you could each stop performing these “traditional” tasks and bring your household to a standstill.

But the little gestures you mention are in a different category. They are symbolic, not practical. Of course you are capable of opening doors. And distinguishing behavior by gender would be damaging in a professional setting.

In private and social life, however, such customs often linger because they have acquired a certain charm. That is why, for example, a high-powered executive still might want her father to “give her away” at her wedding.

You might want to tell your husband that as the female in the marriage, you will decide what is sexist and what is harmlessly charming. You might pick his next laundry day to do so.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.